Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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