I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
