Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
