I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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