i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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