just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
