then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I faked an abortion last night.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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