cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
