the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
