I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
i think i just lost a toe
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