Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
