none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
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