Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
