i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
