i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
