Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
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