You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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