In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
