How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
