Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
