he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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