I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
