Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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