Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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