Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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