Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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