I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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