I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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