eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Sober January is a disaster.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
