i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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