Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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