I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
