Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
