Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just had sex on a roof
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
