Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
