And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
