I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
