Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
