How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
