my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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