DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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