Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The adults are the big ones right?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
