i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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