I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can't put those talents on a resume
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
