I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
