I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
