So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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