so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
