Dude my mom stole all your condoms
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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