hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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