we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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