I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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